Late-Night Comics Target Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

Late-night's top entertainers used their broadcast mocking former President Donald Trump's just announced immigration initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a obvious cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.

The Late Show's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic Christmas tune about the president. "He is making a list, checking it twice, then handing that list to the people at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... ruins each thing he touches."

The focus was the new plan which allows international individuals to acquire U.S. residency for a sum of $1 million dollars, or "top-tier" version for $5 million. An official website promises processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A quick note for you to wealthy foreigners: prior to you fork over the cash, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He pointed out that the program is also designed to "extract cash" from companies looking to hire skilled workers, involving large costs. "That's a lot of fees, though if you register, you also get free accommodation at a property of your choice – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"The most thorough screening the U.S. government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to verify these individuals absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "Get Into America Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow wealthy international individuals to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to change that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the form, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll numbers during financial anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a second term since they were mad about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a bid to tackle prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of food items, and reacted oddly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative news arguments of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he laughed.